if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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