in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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