if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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