I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
