if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I had to cum in my sink.
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