theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
