I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
