Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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