Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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