cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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