My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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