I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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