birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
