where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My sheets look like a crime scene.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
