Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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