I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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