The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
