I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
