i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
