I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
