The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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