how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
