Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
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at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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