I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
