The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
