When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
