Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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