i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
