I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
