Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
