Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
