Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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