Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
