Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
