Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I enjoy the company of your penis
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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