I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
