I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
