Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
