Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
