I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
