God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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