before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Oh god it's open bar.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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