i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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