well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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