I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
