I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
