lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
