haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
