My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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