Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
