i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
