On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
