Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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