so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
