I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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